Mummy Time by Leanne Hume

Ever notice how some people always have more than enough time.. and some people run through life complaining that they don’t have enough time to do anything. What’s the difference. My experience teaches me that usually it is the people who are active, busy, engaged and engaging who always seem to be able to “make” time…and the harried, frenzied commiserators who are never able to “take” the time. My question is how do you change camps? How do I become a mother who has enough time? Without taking time away from other things that are equally important to me and my family.
Does an answer to this question even exist?

I am a mother, I work, I have a variety of ambitious artistic pursuits, a number of hobbies, and a marriage that requires regular maintenance and upkeep. I also have a wide social circle of good friends I cherish, and I would like to volunteer and give back more than I do at the moment…oh yes, and at the moment, I have limited financial resources. (Does this sound familiar?)

How can I MAKE more time?
I asked around and came up with a couple of ideas that may help you make more “mummy time” this year.

1) Think: Figure out exactly what you want to make time for. For your family as a group? More time to really sit down and play with your children? For you to get fit? Quiet time to sit, reflect and nurture your spiritual side? Time when you are able to cook a home cooked meal every night? Time to take that class that would fill your creative well and propel you to a state of artistic bliss? What exactly do you want time for?…Be Specific. Here’s the thing about step one, you have to be unflinchingly honest. There are no wrong answers, only ones that have been incorrectly edited by your ego. Say what you want…not what you think you are supposed to want. Choose your top three time desires…write them down in order of importance.

2) Strategize: Come up with a plan. If you want more family time speak to your family. Make a concrete plan that gets written down in your work and home calendars. Agree to a period of time where you absolutely spend the time together every week no matter what. Maybe weekends don’t work for your family because of Figure skating lessons or Daddy’s wacky work schedule, think outside the box. If you have a flexible schedule maybe both parents can work a little bit on Thursday night in order to make Friday afternoon all about family outings. If you need a walk by yourself everyday maybe it means starting ten minutes early, taking a longer lunch hour and bringing your running shoes to work. Come up with a clear step by step plan for each of your time desires. This won’t just happen…you have to use your brain. You may have to compromise in other areas. The beautiful thing is that this is about choice…you have the power to choose how you solve your time crunch. That’s empowering.

3) Talk: Talk to you partner, your three or thirteen year old. Explain what you are hoping to gain, and also what they in turn will gain. “If mommy can exercise uninterrupted for twenty minutes a day, she probably won’t flip out (quite so fast)” Ask for what you need from them and listen to what they are honestly able to offer. Perhaps your exercise will end up being with your three year old watching from the couch…so be it…it’s better than no exercise and it may evolve into something better than you could have ever imagined. Talk about what areas you can help them with too, a lot of your time isn’t just your own once you have a family to consider. Remember don’t just talk…listen.

4) Look Elsewhere: If your family is unable to help you with some of your time desires…keep looking. Look to other mothers. (Can you please take my 3 year old from 4-6 :30on Mondays so I can cook a couple of meals for the week. In return, I will take your one year old to ballet on Saturdays so you can take that photography course you were talking about). This strategy speaks to the old adage if at first you don’t succeed…try and try again. Perhaps going to yoga class every week is worth the cost of an on call nanny. Perhaps the sanity you gain, and the calm your family gains is worth the cash. Alternatively, perhaps there is a yoga course that offers childcare (Yaletown yoga in Vancouver does that) perhaps it is worth the 15 minute extra drive in order to be able to utilize that service. Look outside of monetary solutions – Is there a service that you could trade… Maybe you could take some money off of the cost of the renters suite downstairs if they would be willing to shovel the walk, rake the leaves, or clean your house once a week…thereby making time for you to do other things. Maybe you do hemming for a friend and she bakes your son’s birthday cake. Spend some time really thinking about where else you can look to find the support you need.

5) Ask: When people ask you what you want for your Birthday/Christmas/Anniversary etc,…remember that you are actively in the process of making time. Ask for a housekeeping gift certificate, ask two girlfriends to go in on a whole day of babysitting as a team for you, ask for an On Call Nanny booking paid for, or for hands on help planning your friend’s shower. Ask for things that will help you create time and space. When people ask what can they bring to a dinner party…TELL THEM. Open yourself up to the idea that asking for what you need…is a good thing.

6) Let go: Let go of the idea that life will be perfect. That nothing in the world will change and schedules are sacred things. Embrace the idea that there really is time for everything. Maybe you don’t clean your whole house in one go. (and then bolt the doors so you can sit down and admire it for thirty seconds before the toddlers arrive back home) Maybe you clean the toilet tonight while you sing with your daughter who is in the bathtub…and tomorrow you tackle the bathtub while your daughter reads books with her daddy. Embrace a mantra taught in “Mamma Renew” courses, “Good, is good enough” or similarly my favorite agreement from the book The Four Agreements, “Do your best, and your best will vary.”

7) Say No: You hear this all the time. Mothers, women, parents, we say yes with out actually thinking about it…WAY too often. Before you say yes…make yourself and your family the promise that you will check your calendar. PERIOD….every time. Then when you check your calendar literally…also check your own personal priority calendar. Is this worth the time it takes? What will have to give up in order to do this? Who else does this affect? Is this a good choice for all involved (I am part of that “all”…I count) Again…be honest. Sometimes you will have to say no.

Check In: If you have made your time desires concrete, “I will walk for at least an hour three times this week” you can check in once a week and see how your doing. Maybe walking isn’t having the added benefit you thought…maybe something else is. You need to spend some time reflecting on where personal benefits are coming from and acknowledge and encourage those patterns. It is okay to change your goals…if they do need to be changed. Life is CHANGE.

9) Acknowledge: If something helps…say so. People are more inclined to repeat behaviors if they have been praised/acknowledged for them. If you tell your child…wow thank you so much sitting and watching quietly while I did that yoga routine…chances are she will try to do that again. Say thank you, to others and to yourself.

10) Breathe: If you find that even after all previous nine steps you are still rushing around like a madwoman multitasking your way into oblivion. STOP. Place your feet firmly on the ground, stand tall, breathe in and out slowly and fully three times. Create a moment in time where you tell yourself… honestly, “This too shall pass.” This moment, will pass. That’s what moments do. That’s how they are designed. You can not hang on to time or alter it’s composition…that’s beyond your control. This frenzy, this panic does not serve you or your family. It serves no one. Say to yourself, “I choose to deal with what is …not what I am afraid might happen.” Breathe in …time and space, breathe out… fear. Then move on.

I work at an on call agency both as a nanny recruiter and as an on call nanny. I have seen a huge number of families deal with the time crunch that comes from having a busy home life and thriving careers in a variety of ways. Some of the most interesting solutions I have seen come when people really allow ALL options to be possible.

There is a family who has an on call nanny come to their house every Saturday night after 8:30 pm…they have a date night every week (they go for supper and talk about big picture things in an organic uninterrupted fashion…imagine) Their son gets a full day with both parents and a slightly later evening…and then the next morning they all get to sleep in (note to self this only works if your child does sleep in). Great solution for them.

One client I know fought an incredible battle with cervical cancer (Successfully) this summer. After all the treatments were finished and life settled back into it’s regular routine she realized her own health needed to be treated as a much bigger priority. She spoke with her husband and they agreed health is more important than cash. She found a nanny who loves to housework (they do exist) and was looking for two days work a week. She hired the nanny to do some housework, some childcare, and arranged one of the days to actually be an evening so her and her husband could go and do something active together. This arrangement allows her and her family time to heal.

Another friend of mine loves to cook, I am a big fan of “bath & book” time. We have dinner with them almost every Monday night. I bring wine, she makes the dinner while I wrangle the kids…I do bath & book time while the husbands do the dishes, and we all watch a movie once the kids are in bed. Everybody wins, we get in some adult socializing that costs nothing…I don’t have to cook, meal plan or do dishes, and she can focus entirely on creating a meal without having to break up battles over whose turn it is with what toy. YAY!! This was a happy accident we all embraced. It may only be a viable solution for a short while…but it is viable at the moment, and I am grateful.

If you are really stuck and feel like you have read all of this before… and you just can’t seem to put any of these ideas into actual practice into your own life….they have classes to teach this stuff. YES!! You can take the course. Simply signing up, is a step in the right direction. When you hand over that deposit cheque you are declaring to the universe that learning how to do this IS important! You are taking the first step towards balance and making more time for you. Sarah Juliusson of Mama Renew teaches Mother’s Unfolding and Mother’s Renewal groups throughout Vancouver and the Lower Mainland. These are classes of mothers who work through a series of exercises, observations and discussions that all relate to finding balance, solutions, and support. The women work together and individually as they meander their way through the trials and tribulations that make up the messy map of modern day motherhood, (there’s a mouthful) It is lead by a trained facilitator who has a wealth of information, impressions and ideas that will help you find your own way, through the time bomb laden maze of motherhood. (www.mammarenew.ca)

Before I sign off and leave you with the (very misguided) impression that I have mastered any of these techniques…let me point out that my daughter’s third birthday party is this weekend. I have basically chained myself to my computer to keep from popping up every five minutes to “just clean this up” the fact that my kitchen floor has dust balls on it big enough for her to ride on is driving me bonkers. The truth is. I will clean it up…or I won’t. No one will be harmed either way. Right now, I am on the clock and writing this is more important. Even more important than the ticking clock and my addiction to paychecks…At 4:00pm when I my little blonde marshmellow up and she “pokey little puppies” her way home and then begs to play Playdoh with me before dinner…I will say YES!! I will not rush her. I will not sigh loudly and longingly look at the swiffer… Because, “This Too Shall Pass.”
The real truth is, in ten years my daughter won’t want to play Playdoh, and the dust balls…will still be waiting.

Leanne Hume has been a live in, live out and on call nanny. She has taught children in
Saudi Arabia, Thailand, Canada, and Fiji. She is first and foremost a Mum and she now works
as the Nanny Recruiter for Nannies on Call The West Coast’s Premiere Nanny Agency.
www.nanniesoncall.com