Lessons From a Life Coach - What My Clients Have Taught Me

Elena Verlee

by Elena Verlee

First appeared in the Philippine Daily Inquirer, October 5, 2008 Here is an online link for your reference.
http://showbizandstyle.inquirer.net/sim/sim/view/20081005-164694/Learnings-from-a-Life-Coach

As a life coach, I have the greatest job in the world. Just like athletes have personal trainers to help them achieve their best, I’m a personal trainer for the soul. I help people discover their passions, strengthen professional or personal relationships, transition into new careers and achieve dreams they never would have thought possible.

I get to challenge my clients like no one else will. At the same time, I am their mentor, cheerleader and sounding board withholding judgment and criticism, while exercising the utmost patience.

It’s an amazing process that I am privileged to be a part of. I learn from my clients all the time. Here, I share with you 8 life lessons working with my clients has taught me.

1. Define Your Own Success
All too often, we define success by what others have, rather than what we really want. Whether you’re a student, housewife, engineer or CEO, know what it is that brings you joy, what makes life complete and what goals you really want to reach. If you’re not sure where you’re going, you’ll probably end up somewhere else.

2. Keep Going
Once you know what you want and want it badly enough, you can find a way to get it. Get the support you need and keep going. Thomas Edison, who failed more than 1000 times before inventing the lightbulb, says it best: “Many of life’s failures are people who didn’t realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

3. Make Mistakes and Move On
Although we all wish we can get things right the first time, a mistake is just a Mis – TAKE. Which means you can do it over. So take one, take two or take 1000 times to get things right. Sometimes great things come from failures. The Post-it note, which every office has in its supply cabinet, was supposed to be a new glue compound until they discovered it didn’t stick permanently. Instead, it could re-stick a number of times without any residue. The rest, as they say, is history.

4. Trust Your Intuition
While there’s no substitute for gathering information about a task or situation before making decisions, you shouldn’t be afraid of not knowing every reason why you feel the way you do. Sometimes you just know… that you know. When faced with making choices that may feel cloudy or overwhelming, take the time to sit still and listen to yourself. You really do know what’s best for you.

5. Know Your Values
In its simplest expression, a fulfilling life is one in which important values are honored each and every day. Values serve as your guideposts on a journey to discover what you want. If you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed or unhappy, most likely a key value is being stepped on. By making choices aligned with your key values - whether it’s connection, respect, adventure, challenge or something else – you’ll feel lighter and at ease.

6. Fear Can Be A Good Thing
We cannot escape fear. It’s a signal that change is apparent or we are taking a risk and we should make sure we are physically safe. So instead, think of fear as a companion on your exciting adventures. By taking small risks often enough, you gain confidence in preparing yourself for a bigger leap. You’ll often find that in reality, it’s never as bad as you feared.

7. Learn to Say NO
One of the biggest secrets to time management is just two little letters – NO. And yet it is so hard to say. Find out what activities or relationships drain your energy and start saying, “No thanks.” It’s hard to disappoint others, but you’ll be amazed at how time expands for you to do the things that really bring you joy.

And finally,

8. Go Do The Small Stuff
Many of us don’t appreciate today, even though we don’t even know if we’ll make it to tomorrow. We focus on the goal as the means of fulfillment: the thing, answer or solution which has the power to give us happiness.

It isn’t necessarily the big pleasures that bring the most happiness, sometimes it’s doing the small stuff. Have breakfast in bed. Hug your children. Kiss your partner behind the ear. Find a long lost friend. Take that class you’ve always wanted to take. Spend an hour at the bookstore. Plant flowers in your garden. Give someone a compliment and make their day.

Remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.

© Elena Verlee, 2008

Elena Verlee is a mentor coach accredited by the International Coaching Federation. She is also an entrepreneur, speaker and author of www.PRinYourPajamas.com . Get her free coaching course for moms at www.ConnectTheDotsCoaching.com Elena is from Vancouver and is currently an “Expat Mom” navigating the challenges of living and working in Asia.

How To Deal With the Stresses of the Festive Season

by Michelle Vandepol; Author of Mother Mexico.

Don’t buy into it. If your usual Christmas celebrations involve throwing a lot of coin around, change how you do things this year. There are many ways to scale back. Spend a little less money and a little less time looking for the things for people on your list. Taking the pressure off of yourself to find “the perfect gift” for everyone means you can spend a bit of time looking for something thoughtful and within your budget and leave giving at that. Make it about the memories. Trinkets are nice, but the bonds from just hanging out as family and friends are around a lot longer and make Christmas fabulous even when the money’s not there.

Spend a bit of time during lunchtime or naptime or the carpool home thinking of ways to make your holiday life easier. For example, penciling out plans for the kids’ 2 weeks off school – making one special memory a day but allowing for downtime too will allow you to keep your mind during those days that either make or break those days before and after Christmas. Keep the ages of your kids in mind. For nappers, doing something fun every morning with the whole family means you still have quiet time to get work and self care done in the afternoons. For non-nappers you can plan things for the afternoon or early evening. If your work schedule doesn’t allow for daytime gallivanting, take advantage of extended seasonal hours to catch holiday fun with the kids in your neighbourhood at night. Get work out of the way now, and plan to have some upcoming days off if you can.

Don’t be too accommodating to others’ plans. You have your own schedule to worry about. If your plans coincide with a friend’s or you specifically want to get the kids together over the holidays, fine; but if you are being pushed around by Sally next door and her constantly changing plans that inconvenience you, just say no and recommend that the two of you plan something for after the holiday season.

Keep up on the wrapping and shopping. You can avoid having to shop too near to Christmas by looking now and inventorying the stuff you’ve already collected. Wrap what you have and keep a list of presents still to buy. Try one stop every day or two (even better if you can put it together with another errand you have to run like picking up milk) and get a few more gifts crossed off your list. If you find you are overwhelmed by the long list of seasonally obligatory gifts (teachers, coaches, and the like), save them the hassle of finding a place for the apple mug and just write a heartfelt season’s greeting on the inside of a card your child hand makes (conveniently keeping them busy for a few moments as well).

Too often in the bustle of the lights and festive party wear, we wear ourselves out spiritually by not plugging into our lives the events that truly give us the meaning of the season. Without something deeper, the season is an expensive shiny hollow series of events. Place into your calendar some plans with more meaning like caroling, seasonal services, or serving food at the local shelter. Without the need to schedule are simple tricks like turning on Christmas radio and keeping change on hand to give to the kids for the kettles in front of the grocery stores.

Doing Christmas errands on mom time (not having to navigate stores with kids, spending ½ as much etc) and using your precious time with the kids to do crafts, collect pinecones for the mantle, go for a walk, stop for hot chocolate, and decorate some gingerbread will mean less hassle and more special for the next month. If you are looking to spend an afternoon shopping, run off the beaten chain store path and visit the independent retailers in your community for a more relaxed pace.

When you carve out the extraneous things that don’t add to your holidays, you also make time for yourself. Keep the inner girl inside the multi-pulled mom happy with a bit of time spent on hobbies, indulgences, date nights, and eggnog lattes with friends.

Somebody last year told me they gained weight from hitting the drive thru so much during Christmas shopping all December – that made me sad. Put on weight eating treats with your friends at cookie exchanges or at work parties or with the ice cream after the parade, but don’t let the season be an endless circle around the drive through as you log more time at the mall than at home. It’s up to you the shape of your December. The less you engage in consumerist activities, the better off your memory bank of the season.

Super Nanny - Once you have her…How to keep her…

For every employer having a great employee is good, having a great happy employee is even better.

If you have a nanny…you are an employer. Keeping your nanny happy often translates quite simply into …keeping your nanny. Having a great nanny stay with your family for a long period of time means less stress for you (less training, less instructions, less time searching) and often it is means less stress for your kids (consistent loving bond, less anxiety, less fear of abandonment, deeper relationship)

Here are a variety of practical everyday things you can do to help keep a really great nanny (or any employee for that matter) happy:

• Pay her what she is worth. Pay what you can afford – You get what you pay for.
• Do NOT continually add non-childcare related jobs that were not initially negotiated
• (imagine if that happened on a daily basis to you at work, “oh and can you vacuum the board room, and can you take out the garbage, and can you clean the toilet…”)
• Say THANK YOU. If she goes above and beyond, notice and let her know you appreciate it.
• LISTEN – Ask her how her day was, ask about the kids, ask about HER, find out how things are really going. Don’t stop listening if it’s not all happy happy news.
• Be respectful, support her in front of your children. Look for ways to visibly support her efforts. You are on the same team, work together…establish the same ground rules, routines, and discipline techniques. The more consistent you can make things for your kids, the easier it is for everyone.
• Be CLEAR from day one about expectations. Write things down if you have to. If something is important to you (No TV, no sugary snacks, bedtime is 8…exactly) say so clearly. Most nannies can’t read minds.
• Schedule meetings, and set aside time to talk about how things are going. Have those meetings even if things are going well. This is good preventative medicine and it keeps the lines of communication open.
• Offer raises or bonuses for a job well done. Reward great work. Everyone likes to feel appreciated. Some ideas; Give you nanny a paid afternoon off , in kind bonuses (if you own a beauty salon offer her a free manicure), give her a raise after three months (50 cents an hour more is better than nothing) buy her movie passes, buy her flowers, invite her and a friend over for a meal one night, write her a thank you card, invite her to birthday parties and large family events (but do not pressure her to attend), Make enough coffee in the morning so that she can have a cup, take some great pictures of her and the kids…frame one, ask her if there are any memberships that could make her job easier (science world, the aquarium) get one, if she is looking for extra work…recommend her to your friends.
• Make sure she has what she needs to do her job (good stroller, bus fare, snacks available, Science World membership) This can be a stressful area if you are not forthcoming with petty cash and your nanny is not rolling in the dough.
• Let her know she can eat with the kids. Most families do open their pantries to their nannies. If this is okay with you make sure she is aware that this is something you are fine with.
• Deal with situations quickly, fairly and directly - If something is not going well DO NOT let it fester. Always ask for more information. There are always two sides to every story be sure to approach all problems proactively…look for the solution

90% of the nannies that I have interviewed say that their absolute favorite jobs have been with families who have treated them as if they were actual family members. Being treated with love and respect is their number one reason for staying with a family for an extended period of time. Over 90% of the nannies I have interviewed say that their absolute least favorite thing (and the most common reason for early termination of contracts by nannies) is when they feel disrespected professionally, when their efforts with the children are undermined, contradicted or left unsupported by their employers.

The three top qualities that Nannies list as being the most desirable in a family are; Good ability to communicate (clearly and regularly), openly appreciates the work that is being done, doesn’t add on more and more jobs or overtime but respects the written contract.

A truly great nanny is a real treasure. She can make your day go smoother, lighten your daily load and add love, inspiration, quality education and appropriate stimulation into your children’s day to day activities. Once you find your perfect nanny….take the time and make the effort to treat her with the care and respect she deserves. Your kids will learn by watching you how to treat people, and your nanny will treasure her job and your family all the more.

Leanne Hume is first and foremost a Mum. She has also worked as a live in, live out and on call nanny as well as a teacher in Vancouver, Northern Canada, Saudi Arabia, Thailand, and Fiji.

Leanne now works as the Vancouver Nanny Recruiter for Nannies on Call …The West Coast’s premiere Nanny Agency.

www.nanniesoncall.com

Too Busy Syndrome

Written by Michelle Vandepol; author of Mother Mexico

I’m a mother, you know what that means, I do my little turn in the carpool, the car pool, yeah, the car pool, I do my little turn in the carpool.
I’m too busy for my life, too busy for my life, too busy… it hurts.

You may sound like Right Said Mom

But the reality is that it’s not that appealing, is it? The truth is, throwing out the B-word is the ultimate twisted modern brag. It seems to prove our achievement levels or work ethic or popularity or something. Except that it doesn’t. If anything, it could be argued that being busy (without time for reflection, getting together with friends, or family dinners) could be a symptom of an unbalanced life.

That said, there are ways to recognize the busy syndrome and to move away from being one of those “I’m so busy” people. So go ahead. Make your life easier.

Ironically you will be the breezy relaxed getting-it-all done mom only when you recognize your limitations. Write down all the things others seem to have time to do, but you don’t. List the stuff that’s on your plate currently. Take a peek behind the scenes. For example it might look like your girlfriend has time for crafts and fun outing with the kids in addition to her work schedule, but it might turn out that she doesn’t log any TV or shopping time. There are a lot of ways we can save time. Ask around and find out which ones appeal to you. That said; don’t be shamed into spending your time or money on others’ priorities. It won’t feel right. Do what works for you and your family.

Pare down belongings. Even if you are a shopper by nature – and especially then. Even if you’re not, there are a lot of ways things can enter our homes even if we’re not out shopping for them. How about when your neighbour gifts you with a bunch of outgrown clothes for the kids or mom passes down extra sets of flatware? Sort through, and if you are not currently short of stock, cycle some of the stuff through the house and onto another home via a friend who could use it or a nearby thrift store. If it’s a bit late and your guest room is stocked up to the ceiling, you can still make room in time for Christmas guests. Start by moving any still-in-the-packaging purchases to a newly started gift closet (if you don’t have one already) and tackle a bit every day. Remember that if you are moving a box worth of stuff to other locations in the house, those locations need to be weeded out in turn to avoid overload.

Simplify your schedule. Just like things, calendar clutter is claustrophobic. Move what you can to a later date and once you have the day planner under control, make an effort to keep it in line. I learned this the hard way when signing up three sons to play for the same minor soccer league all playing on Saturday when my husband works every Saturday. Now I really know I really can’t be in two places at once. And it’s not just soccer. Sometimes you will have to say no to work or something social (for you or the kids). It’s impossible to fit it all in all of the time.

Make a central place for lists, bills, notices etc. I’m sure you’re not in the majority of us losing those kinds of things, but in case you are; a basket and a bulletin board in the kitchen and longer term storage to put the bills in once you’re on to the next month will save a lot of headache.

Another way to lessen schedule stress is to spread things out. There will always be periods of more activity, but instead of letting chaos pool into certain crevices on the calendar (the weekend, for instance), consciously even it out over the course of the week. Look at the calendar and pick up the things you need ahead of time. Circumstances do not have to be perfect for you to do so. Even if you’re waiting for payday to pick up the stuff, do what you can now – get child to make birthday card, plan the bulk of your menus with what you have in the house already, hang up the outfit separately in your closet for the event you have to go to.

It may seem like all the little organizing tricks that we accumulate are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but it is these little tricks that enable us to do a bit of everything and come out on the other side with personal achievement, a happy family, and the sense that we are not shortchanging anything or anyone important including ourselves.

Another easy step to do today to make tomorrow easier, is to book one week ahead on the calendar. Don’t be afraid to say “it doesn’t work this week”. If it’s something you’re not into, do away with it completely or block it into the shortest time block possible. After all, it’s your life. How your spending it should reflect what’s important to you.

The Balancing Act: Juggling your career while maintaining the lifestyle you want

Written by Allison Rutherford the Executive Director of the HR Tech Group – an association of human resources professionals who work in the technology sector.

Allison was the 2007 recipient of the Award of Excellence, for the top HR professional in the BC Human Resources Management Association. For 15 years she was the Director of Human Resources for an international tech company. She has 3 young children: two girls, age 9 and 8, and a 4 year-old boy who keeps her running!

If they haven’t already realized it, companies are about to wake-up and face a huge shortage of talent – more retirees, and less workers entering the workforce means that companies are going to need to find a way to retain talent. Retaining women in the workforce will be key – and success will only come if companies recognize women’s needs to achieve a work/life harmony.

There are very few female colleagues I know who don’t wrestle with the work/life balancing act. In fact, women often adopt the “it’s greener on the other side of the fence” attitude. Either harboring guilt that they’re working full time and don’t have enough time for their kids; or having career and/or financial disappointment if they’ve decided to stay home full time with the kids. There is constant turmoil in their life. They feel they are either letting their family down, or not performing to the expectations of the job.

I am fortunate. I am one of those people who knows she’s found the balance and is at peace with it. You can too. The key to finding peace, is to change your attitude so you focus on the best things about your own situation, and let it go when you feel you’re not doing your best.

After university, I worked in progressively senior positions, full time. I was the Director of Human Resources for Scientific-Atlanta, having responsibilities for hundreds of employees in both Vancouver and Atlanta locations. The job was exciting and I felt confident that my contributions were actually making a difference. Once I started my family however, I realized something had to change. I needed to identify time in my life for my family, but maintain my career.

I re-invented myself – decided to start consulting work that would allow me the time to be there for my kids before and after school. Although initially it appeared to be a gamble financially (no guarantee on consulting projects coming in, working less hours, etc), it has worked better than I could have imagined.

When my children were babies, I worked from home as much as possible. Having a home office meant using my time efficiently by returning calls and emails when the baby was napping (twice a day). Trading babysitting one-day a week with another part-time mother also came in handy – it was free, and I got a dedicated work day where I could go out to meetings. Eventually I also hired a one-day-a-week nanny, who came into my home, helped with the cleaning when baby slept, and allowed me to get a second day to go out to meetings if required. I admit on days when I didn’t have help, nursing baby while reading emails happened occasionally, but then we’d go to the park together. As my children got older, I could count on pre-school mornings to get work done, and sometimes a favourite show or video to squeeze in an extra hour or two of uninterruped work. This balance worked fabulously for me.

Currently I run an association of 90 companies, whose HR professionals are individual members. We put on quarterly events, run regular mini-surveys on employment practices, and publish the leading tech salary survey annually. We’ve created a model where by if you’re in human resources working for a tech company, you see the need and benefit of joining our group. I now work 4 days/week, but these hours vary based on soccer practices, pre-school drop-offs and pick-ups, piano lessons, and playdates. It’s amazing how much I can accomplish by getting up early one morning and getting through my email; or taking an hour or two on the weekend when my husband is on dad duty; or deciding to get a task done after bed-time stories are over.

I meet several colleagues in my industry who are doing the same thing. One HR Director I know works 4 days a week (one of them at home) – she negotiated this with her company upon her return to work. Five members of my Steering Committee have either just started or just returned from a maternity leave – all of them stayed engaged with our association while on leave – calling in for a monthly meeting or attending a quarterly event. By making this a priority, they feel plugged into their working world, and have kept up their network.

Why is it important for companies to help employees balance work and lifestyle?
Happiness is key. People who are happy at work, get more done and do it better. I’ve seen it first hand at a large corporation. Employees who believed things were good reaped the benefits – promotions to those who were upbeat, new exciting projects to those who were positive with a can-do attitude, company sponsored MBAs for those who demonstrated promise. Conversely, those who were negative did not accelerate their career – and were often the ones disappointed with their performance appraisal results, and received lower salary increases.

What can companies do? Invest time and effort in creating modified work schedules for women who request it. Introduce flex time, where core hours in the office are 9:30 – 2:30, and it’s up to employees to manage their day – either starting earlier or leaving later in the day. Can you offer longer working days so that every other Friday is off? Establish a telecommuting policy with guidelines for an employee to set up and work from a home office. Change “sick leave” to “personal leave” for any family-related issue an employee encounters.

If you believe that you have balance in your life, good things will come to you. So you might think you didn’t do as great a job as you would have liked at a work assignment, you have to let that go. So your kids were disappointed you missed the field trip – let it go, and realize how great you feel that you are able to pick them up after school on a regular basis. It’s a balancing act. So make it happen for yourself – adopt a positive attitude and be thankful that you are savoring important moments with your children, while contributing to your own satisfying career.