Lessons From a Life Coach – What My Clients Have Taught Me

Elena Verlee

by Elena Verlee

First appeared in the Philippine Daily Inquirer, October 5, 2008 Here is an online link for your reference.
http://showbizandstyle.inquirer.net/sim/sim/view/20081005-164694/Learnings-from-a-Life-Coach

As a life coach, I have the greatest job in the world. Just like athletes have personal trainers to help them achieve their best, I’m a personal trainer for the soul. I help people discover their passions, strengthen professional or personal relationships, transition into new careers and achieve dreams they never would have thought possible.

I get to challenge my clients like no one else will. At the same time, I am their mentor, cheerleader and sounding board withholding judgment and criticism, while exercising the utmost patience.

It’s an amazing process that I am privileged to be a part of. I learn from my clients all the time. Here, I share with you 8 life lessons working with my clients has taught me.

1. Define Your Own Success
All too often, we define success by what others have, rather than what we really want. Whether you’re a student, housewife, engineer or CEO, know what it is that brings you joy, what makes life complete and what goals you really want to reach. If you’re not sure where you’re going, you’ll probably end up somewhere else.

2. Keep Going
Once you know what you want and want it badly enough, you can find a way to get it. Get the support you need and keep going. Thomas Edison, who failed more than 1000 times before inventing the lightbulb, says it best: “Many of life’s failures are people who didn’t realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

3. Make Mistakes and Move On
Although we all wish we can get things right the first time, a mistake is just a Mis – TAKE. Which means you can do it over. So take one, take two or take 1000 times to get things right. Sometimes great things come from failures. The Post-it note, which every office has in its supply cabinet, was supposed to be a new glue compound until they discovered it didn’t stick permanently. Instead, it could re-stick a number of times without any residue. The rest, as they say, is history.

4. Trust Your Intuition
While there’s no substitute for gathering information about a task or situation before making decisions, you shouldn’t be afraid of not knowing every reason why you feel the way you do. Sometimes you just know… that you know. When faced with making choices that may feel cloudy or overwhelming, take the time to sit still and listen to yourself. You really do know what’s best for you.

5. Know Your Values
In its simplest expression, a fulfilling life is one in which important values are honored each and every day. Values serve as your guideposts on a journey to discover what you want. If you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed or unhappy, most likely a key value is being stepped on. By making choices aligned with your key values – whether it’s connection, respect, adventure, challenge or something else – you’ll feel lighter and at ease.

6. Fear Can Be A Good Thing
We cannot escape fear. It’s a signal that change is apparent or we are taking a risk and we should make sure we are physically safe. So instead, think of fear as a companion on your exciting adventures. By taking small risks often enough, you gain confidence in preparing yourself for a bigger leap. You’ll often find that in reality, it’s never as bad as you feared.

7. Learn to Say NO
One of the biggest secrets to time management is just two little letters – NO. And yet it is so hard to say. Find out what activities or relationships drain your energy and start saying, “No thanks.” It’s hard to disappoint others, but you’ll be amazed at how time expands for you to do the things that really bring you joy.

And finally,

8. Go Do The Small Stuff
Many of us don’t appreciate today, even though we don’t even know if we’ll make it to tomorrow. We focus on the goal as the means of fulfillment: the thing, answer or solution which has the power to give us happiness.

It isn’t necessarily the big pleasures that bring the most happiness, sometimes it’s doing the small stuff. Have breakfast in bed. Hug your children. Kiss your partner behind the ear. Find a long lost friend. Take that class you’ve always wanted to take. Spend an hour at the bookstore. Plant flowers in your garden. Give someone a compliment and make their day.

Remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.

© Elena Verlee, 2008

Elena Verlee is a mentor coach accredited by the International Coaching Federation. She is also an entrepreneur, speaker and author of www.PRinYourPajamas.com . Get her free coaching course for moms at www.ConnectTheDotsCoaching.com Elena is from Vancouver and is currently an “Expat Mom” navigating the challenges of living and working in Asia.

Confessions of a Bad Eater

By Monica Murray; Higher Resources.

When I told my friends, family, and colleagues that I would be contributing an article to this month’s monthly newsletter with the theme of Nutrition and the Workplace, most of them fell to the ground laughing.  When they dried the tears from their eyes, they realized that I wasn’t kidding.  Based on their reactions, I also realized that I am probably the worst person to be dolling out advice on nutrition.  So I am here really to fess up to my nutrition habits.   

Let’s start from the beginning.  Pre-children.  Being younger and working a zillion hours a week with other like-minded individuals, my diet consisted of fairly equalized parts fast food, healthy food, and alcohol.  Friday night drinks and nachos were a weekly part of bonding with my colleagues and letting off some steam.  Of course, there was time for exercise, which was also part of my social network.  Ah, the time to eat what I wanted, do what I wanted, and have the metabolism to get through it. 

Enter children.  Work is still a central part of my life, but so are my husband and child. Exit exercise and the time to eat properly.  I am like most who find several excuses as to why I can’t eat well or have the time to exercise. 

Someone once told me that people’s time can be split into a three-piece pie, meaning there is time for three major things in one’s life.  Work is most often one of them, and the other two can consist of exercise, family, relationships, self etc.  But how can we get them all to fit into the pie?  It is something that I struggle with everyday.  As women, we try to do it all.  There are a ton of coaches that go through how we need to stop trying to actually do it all.  I agree it can’t all be done.  There will always be choices and consequences to our choices.  Things ebb and flow; the trick is to be able to rise with the tides and fade back when we need to. 

What will make me change my habits?  Usually, for most it is some sort of drastic event.  For example, my computer crashed the other day and I saw all of my business contacts, calendar, and e-mail vanish before my eyes.  Did I have a back up?  I do now!  By some saving graces, I have been able to recover most of it.  But it took me less than one day to get myself set up with triple backups and a secure disaster recovery plan should it happen again. 

This event has caused me to pause and look at my life, especially my nutrition and exercise habits.  I know that I don’t eat as well as I should.  And I know that I should exercise more.   I also know that I shouldn’t have to wait for a drastic event to immediately change how I eat and work out.  The reality is we are all getting older, and with several years slipping by without feeding myself well and keeping myself fit, I can see the change.  I know it didn’t happen overnight.  But I can see the effects when I lack the energy to play consistently with my daughter.  I can see the effects when I huff and puff climbing a flight of stairs.  I can see the effects when my headaches increase in quantity and intensity.   

Will I change my habits?  I am certainly going to try.  But this is no easy task.  There’s the rub.  Good nutrition is a simple concept, but it is not easy to stick to (not for me anyways!).  Daily decisions will help the transformation.   By consistently not eating fast foods, drinking more water, taking the stairs, and eating breakfast I know I am heading in the right direction.  

Tips for Professional Mother Returning to Work – Tip #10 – Interviewing Essentials

Tip #10 – Interviewing Essentials

Your networking and resume writing has paid off.  You have been invited to the company for an interview.  Believe it or not, this is the part that most people mess up the most.  Some are so nervous they can't get comfortable, some are overly confident and go in under prepared, and others are just unable to get the words out that get their point across.

Again, as a professional recruiter, I would like to share the most common interviewing mistakes that we see everyday.  

1. Not understanding yourself – If you haven't read my previous tips, go back to the first tip.  Understanding who you are, where you have been, what you have done, and where you want to go are key to determining if the role you are interviewing for fits into your master plan.   When we see people who are unclear about these questions, it makes it hard for us to assess what they would be suitable for.  I am not suggesting that you know exactly what you should be doing and where, but by knowing what you are good at, what you enjoy, and where your interests lie, will give you the ability to assess which roles you want to pursue.

2. Not knowing enough about the company – I can't stress more the importance of knowing as much as you can about the company you are being interviewed at.  If all you have to go on is a job description and a brief glance at the website, you will find it difficult to determine whether the company values are aligned with your own.   Talk to people who have dealt with the company, read their press releases, financial statements (if public), and Management Discussion & Analysis (if public).  See if there have been any items in the press about the company.  Do they contribute to the community?  What can you see (or not see) about them that gives the company a personality?  
3. Not being able to answer tough questions – Be prepared for the predictable questions such as:  Tell me about your strengths, tell me about your weaknesses.  But more importantly, is to be prepared for behavioral type questions.   These questions focus on applicants past experience and behaviors in order to determine their potential for success.  They will try to assess specific competencies required for the role.  Typically, they start with "Tell me about a time when…".  For example:

• Tell me about a time when you had to deal with a conflict with a customer.
• Give me an example of when you worked in a team. What role did you play?
• Tell me about your most important contribution to your last employer.
• What qualities or talents would you bring to the job? Give examples of how you used these talents in your last role.

We recently had a situation with a candidate who was unable to come up with tangible examples when asked to describe what she accomplished in previous roles.  The questions were very specific to the job she was interviewing for and the employer wanted to dig further to have her explain what she did, how she did it, and what was the end result.  Due to the fact that her explanations were light on detail, she was not invited back for a second interview. 

• 4. Not following the interviewer's lead – Determine how much time you have in the interview and be sure to use it wisely. Watch the body language of the interviewer. If you think you are on a tangent, ask the interviewer if you have answered their question. The more you can turn the interview into a back and forth conversation, the more comfortable you will be.

• 5. Not dressing appropriately – I have only one thing to say about this (more next month), but for now, you can never be overdressed for an interview.

Lastly, the ONE thing you absolutely need to do is PRACTICE.  Practice out loud.  Practice in front of a mirror.  Be sure you can quickly and confidently come up with specific examples of situations in your career that will demonstrate why you are the person for the job.  

This is particularly important because as women, we tend not to talk ourselves up.  So it will actually feel strange to talk out loud about how great you are and what you have done to bring value to others.  In an interview, you are on your own.  Be confident and be able to let the interviewers know about YOUR accomplishments.  I know I know, you really want to give credit to your TEAM and how you couldn't have done it without them, but really, they couldn't have done it without YOU. 

Before you go into your meeting, take a deep breath, dry your palms, and say to yourself, "I rock".  You do.  Now, get in there and blow their socks off!

Tips for Professional Mothers Returning to Work – Tip 9

Tip #9 – Reinventing Your Resume

So you have decided to return to the workforce or you want to move into a new role.  Your successful networking has paid off and someone has asked you to send him or her your resume.  Sure, no problem, but it's been years since you've completed one or what you have is drastically out of date.  Where do you start?

Resume is defined as a brief written account of personal, educational, and professional qualifications and experience, as that prepared by an applicant for a job.  Also called a CV short for "curriculum vitae", which means "the course of a life" in Latin. (Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006)

You can find samples and guidelines on several sites including educational institution websites as well as career and job sites such as Monster and Workopolis.  As a professional recruiter, I would like to give you an insider's view of resume review. 

What you Need to Know

The main purpose of your resume is to get yourself into the interview.  This is the employers' first sample of the quality of your work. Ensure it is flawless.  We see grammatical mistakes and spelling mistakes even from high-level professionals.  Have someone else review it for you before sending it out.  High quality also means formatting your document so it looks professional.  Fonts should be readable, margins printable, and photos and pictures omitted. 

Employers use it as a guide. Give clear and adequate information that answers basic questions about your career and educational path. Unknowns will put you in the "no" pile.  What I mean by unknowns is large gaps between employment or omissions in your education history.  My firm belief is that everyone is unique and you are doing yourself a disservice if you decide to omit educational degrees or course work you have completed.   Gaps in employment can be entered as a one line sentence such as "Remained at home for personal reasons."  I recommend that you are as open and honest as possible, which all employers will appreciate.  Employers cannot eliminate you as a candidate solely because you are a mother.  If you have the relevant experience and personality fit, you are a viable candidate. 

Make sure that what is on paper is articulating who you are, what you have done and where you want to go.  In the work experience section be sure that you not only put down your responsibilities (the job description) but also your significant accomplishments (what you did to add value to the company).  Align your resume with the role to ensure maximum interest of the employer.  If you are applying to a specific role, go through each line item in the job description and if you've done it, make sure it is on your resume. 

Elimination Factors

• Candidates who are difficult to reach. Be reachable! Have a phone that has voicemail that you check regularly. Be able to check e-mail frequently as well. Employers are busy. If they can reach another candidate more easily, you are out.

• Unprofessional e-mail addresses or e-mail omitted. Leave the "hotmama" e-mail address for your personal use.

• Spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Note that some versions of word processing applications do not check spelling of capitalized words. I've seen PROFESSOINAL and MANGER many times.

• Work experience being a duty list only. Put context around your responsibilities such as size of department, number of transactions, or geographical area.

• Put emphasis on accomplishments. Be tangible. Did you save the company money, time, or resources? How long did the project take? How much revenue did you bring in? Did you win any employee recognition awards? What were they for?

• Employment dates not included or vague (ie. year only). Always put month and year in this section. Having just 2000 to 2001 can mean 2 months or 24 months. Don't make it look like you are hiding anything.

Once you have a solid resume, you should be confident going into an interview.  The time that you took to prepare a complete resume (not just a laundry list of your life) is actually preparation for the interview.  More on that in the next tip. 

Tips For Professional Mothers Returning To Work – Tips 7 & 8

Tip #7 – Networking Revisited

I spoke about the importance of networking in tip #2 and wanted to revisit the topic again to go over some important points as well as highlight some logistics in being a successful networker.

Business woman with mobile

As we head into another busy fall season, it is the perfect time to ensure you get involved in networking activities.  These can be anything – a formal event at a professional association or career fair, or informal socializing at a dinner party, even your dentist office.  The point is to be involved in activities that are not always related to your kids.  Making it a habit of letting people know that you are looking to get back into the workforce is great for a few reasons.  Firstly, it will solidify your decision to go back to work.  Once you start saying things out loud it is your first step to achieving the goal.  Second, most people will have some sort of advice or will offer to keep your intentions in mind.   Often people might hear about a vacancy soon after you talked and you are still at the top of their thoughts.  It doesn't mean that it will be your dream job, but just knowing that people are out there with an eye on opportunities helps with the process.  Third, you can get referrals to other people you can connect with.  How many times have you even heard yourself say to someone that you don't know of anything off hand, but that they should connect with your friend "Joe" who might have some ideas.

Networking is an ongoing process that requires review and follow up.  As with anything, you get out of it what you put into it.  Review the events you attended last year (whether  formal or informal) and list who you met.  Has there been any outcome of that connection?  This is a good time to ditch those events that were a waste of your time (which is a precious commodity) and switch to those with more promise.  When networking, a good tip is to write the date and event where you met someone on the back of their business card along with a note that will help you remember them.  When you follow up it could possibly provide you with an icebreaker to the conversation.  Speaking of follow up – keep in touch with the people you meet with whom you'd like to maintain a relationship.  This doesn't mean that you need to become best friends, but a follow up coffee or lunch a few weeks or a month later will solidify the brief conversation you had at the networking session. 

A general rule of thumb is that successful networking will provide a Return on Investment in about 4 – 6 months (sometimes longer).  People that you meet don't necessarily have the job or opportunity that you are looking for at the time you are looking, but eventually the stars will be aligned.  When they are, you want to be top of mind so that they think of you and not someone else. 

Successful networking takes perseverance with a pinch of panache.  With practice and persistence, it can become second nature.

Tip #8 – Work Life Balance

If anyone has defined the true meaning of "Work Life Balance" please let me know.  Work life balance has become such a ubiquitous buzzword and part of our culture that I believe it has lost it's meaning.  It seems like everyone these days is searching for work life balance.  In fact, this is no longer just a working mother phenomenon, but spreading to the larger working population.   What does seem to be a commonality is that no one seems to have found it.  Research, studies, articles and informal surveys all state that work life balance is the biggest source of stress at work. 

There are of course several reasons for this: demographic shifts (sandwich generation), dual income households (leading to less time at home), cultural changes (less walking to school, more playdates) etc.   I have a theory that another reason for the rising stress of work life balance is that many people tend to define the balance at its face value (ie. 50% of your time devoted to work and 50% of your time for life).  For most, this is an impossible goal and leaves people unsatisfied with both their work and life environments.

Which leads me to a simple exercise to help you through the first step towards achieving work life balance.  Start with redefining the term to be work life effectiveness or work life flexibility.  This should allow you to think of it in a new light.  Work life balance means different things to different people, and not enough people have taken the time to define the term for themselves.   

Defining your own work life balance will help you when you are re-entering the workforce.  This is no different than defining what is important to you in your company role.  Work life balance is only a piece of your broad definition of career.  Realizing what your needs are is the first step in selecting or eliminating options for your reentry into the workforce.  Some questions to consider are:

• Is location of your job important?   For some there are daycare / school drop offs and pick ups to consider.
• Is part time a necessity?  Are you easing back in gently?  Do you want to be with your kids while they are in school?
• How much travel can you accommodate in your role / life?  Can you leave your other obligations behind while you are out of town?
• What sort of benefits does the company offer with respect to flexible work arrangements (FWA's)?  Are there negative consequences to using FWA's?
• What are your goals with respect to career advancement?  Is your goal to get ahead and climb the corporate ladder as quickly as possible?
• What sort of overtime does the job entail?  Are you able to handle unpredictable overtime schedules with your home responsibilities?

The answers to those questions will help point you down a more balanced path.  Remember, work life balance initiatives come in many forms.  For some, it will mean starting your own business, or taking on more of a consulting role.  For others it means getting back into a company that has flexible work arrangements, or perhaps working full time and hiring help on the homefront. 

Whatever the solution is, it will likely be yours alone.  Work life balance is not generic and it certainly is not 50% work and 50% life.  Figure out your needs and be prepared to be flexible to give and take.  The solution is as unique as you are!